Some days I wish I could love someone else the way I love you. Other days I’m grateful to know my mirror exists and I’m not in this world entirely alone. Now if only I could combine those two emotions and be satisfied in what I do and don’t have without feeling ungrateful, lonely and sad – like I’m not enough for you to choose me all this time. Like you resent how you feel about me so much that you would rather keep running.
I fell in love 13 years ago with someone I believed was my rock, my mirror, my one. For years I could never feel for anyone else what I felt for him and now for the rest of my life that will be true.
He said all the right things and he fueled a fire inside that made me want to be better. Because once, he was me and I was him. We shared the same weaknesses, the same broken pieces and the same lust for life and love. It was at one time so authentic.
A painful day almost two years ago now I awoke to all of this and I chose to believe it was part of my journey – to overcome all of these obstacles that kept us apart, to find our way to each other, to overcome everything that had turned me into something I wasn’t and to choose unconditional love every day no matter the cost.
And so today I sit having chosen myself…my face red and drenched in tears, my heart heavier than gravity and my eyes open to a reality I’ve never seen before now – one that’s void of history.
I now understand that what we had was never my reality. It was his. And the sadness I feel right now is actually because I am mourning the loss of who is no longer me and all it cost was a life that was never meant to be mine.
Without honesty you have nothing. I’ve gained the only thing that really mattered – an end, a beginning and a glimpse into what loving someone else with my entire being feels like.
When the levee breaks, mama, you got to move.
Saying goodbye has never been something I’m good at, but who am I to argue with the universe. Love for myself is all I need.