Some days I wish I could love someone else the way I love you. Other days I’m grateful to know my mirror exists and I’m not in this world entirely alone. Now if only I could combine those two emotions and be satisfied in what I do and don’t have without feeling ungrateful, lonely and sad – like I’m not enough for you to choose me all this time.
I fell in love 13 years ago with someone I believed was my rock, my mirror, my one. For years I could never feel for anyone else what I felt for him and now for the rest of my life that will be true.
He said all the right things and he fueled a fire inside that made me want to be better. Because once, he was me and I was him. We shared the same weaknesses and the same broken pieces.
A painful day almost two years ago now I awoke to all of this and I chose to believe it was part of my journey – to overcome all of these obstacles that kept us apart, to find our way to each other, to remove everything that had turned me into something I wasn’t and to choose unconditional love every day no matter the cost.
And so today I sit having chosen myself for the last time…my face red and drenched in tears, my heart heavier than gravity and my eyes open to a reality I’ve never seen before now – one that’s void of history.
I now understand that what we had was never my reality. It was his. And the sadness I feel right now is because I am mourning the loss of who was never actually me and all it cost was a life that was never meant to be mine.
Without honesty with oneself, you have nothing. I’ve gained all that matters – an end, a beginning and a glimpse into what loving someone else with my entire being feels like.
Saying goodbye has never been something I’m good at, but who am I to argue with the universe. Love for myself is all I need.
The drum beats out of time