The Evolution of Deconstruction

5/27

Some days I wish I could love someone else the way I love you. Other days I’m grateful to know my mirror exists and I’m not in this world entirely alone. Now if only I could combine those two emotions and be satisfied in what I do and don’t have without feeling ungrateful, lonely and sad – like I’m not enough for you to choose me all this time. Like you resent how you feel about me so much that you would rather keep running.

I fell in love 13 years ago with someone I believed was my rock, my mirror, my one. For years I could never feel for anyone else what I felt for him and now for the rest of my life that will be true.

He said all the right things and he fueled a fire inside that made me want to be better. Because once, he was me and I was him. We shared the same weaknesses, the same broken pieces and the same lust for life and love. It was at one time so authentic.

A painful day almost two years ago now I awoke to all of this and I chose to believe it was part of my journey – to overcome all of these obstacles that kept us apart, to find our way to each other, to overcome everything that had turned me into something I wasn’t and to choose unconditional love every day no matter the cost.

And so today I sit having chosen myself…my face red and drenched in tears, my heart heavier than gravity and my eyes open to a reality I’ve never seen before now – one that’s void of history.

I now understand that what we had was never my reality. It was his. And the sadness I feel right now is actually because I am mourning the loss of who is no longer me and all it cost was a life that was never meant to be mine.

Without honesty you have nothing. I’ve gained the only thing that really mattered – an end, a beginning and a glimpse into what loving someone else with my entire being feels like.

When the levee breaks, mama, you got to move.

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Saying goodbye has never been something I’m good at, but who am I to argue with the universe. Love for myself is all I need.

x Loretta

One thought on “The Evolution of Deconstruction

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  1. Glad to have you back Lippy 🙏🏽 beautifully expressed. We are all on our journey and the downs make the ups that much better to experience. Asè family

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