All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning again.
13 Reasons Why Season 2…it seems so paradigm, drastic and societal. But every one of their stories is real…for someone. So here I sit crawling back in time to a segment of my reality that tears have never shed for before. Who do we think we are when we don’t even know yet? Who can we trust to protect us and the ones we love? Why is introspection so fucking scary? It’s the only way out once you’re in. I used to cut myself regularly because for some reason I was convinced it was the only way to feel anything. And this was before rape was even a part of my broken story. My parents were too caught up in their own fluid life choices while mine spiraled out of control and hiding from it only got me “higher”. My best friend let heroin take his life at just 22 years young and I was too ignorant to notice he even had a problem. I loved to put everything up my nose because why would I ever want to close my eyes while I was awake. I stopped living to avoid ever having to remember anything. I wanted so badly to feel love…or anything other than nothingness. Was I sick? Was I the only one? Sexual partner after sexual partner…maybe he’ll love me, so than I can love me. Kids are fucking cruel – including ourselves to ourselves. It fuels the fire.
Until I realized I had a drug problem, that hurting yourself makes you a victim, nobody is perfect (especially not your parents), abuse comes in all forms, shapes and unexpected places, love starts inside yourself, I will never again be blind to someone who is suffering in a way I don’t fully understand and sex means shit when it’s only your body that you’re giving away.
Maybe I’m not as okay as I tell myself I am. Maybe I’m too damn afraid to speak my truth out loud, instead of typing it. Then you will all know. My friends will know and then somehow their friends will know which could then lead to someone who knows someone who knows. Opinions are a fucking disease and nothing unconditional comes from them. I thought I was fearless by starting my blog, but really all I did was hide behind a fake name and a website. Some people will never read my page, nor would they even be human enough to give a shit. Do I give a shit that they don’t give a shit? Not even in the slightest. Do I wish I had the power to change the world with what I know? At least my world, if anything at all.
I wish I could tell you all of that light came to me in my darkness and I was instantly changed. I wish I could tell you that it was easy, that I don’t have regrets, that some experiences won’t forever be a piece of you. I wish I could tell you that one day you’ll wake up and none of it will matter anymore.
But it’s the heart of the matter – we’re all fucking human. And each of our journeys comes with some form of pain, prejudice and pretense. So what will you choose to do with that? Settle for the hand you were dealt or keep playing until you get the royal flush you deserve?
I’m in it for the flush, baby. But first I have to keep putting down these low cards that are stacked against me…truth by truth…and never stop.