The Sandman

I’m starting to think that these terrible nightmares I’ve been having will become something I just get used to living with. What in the…fuuuuuuck, no. I don’t want to feel like every time I find the light, something pulls me back into the dark.

You can’t hide from your fucking self. Occasionally I do try though, just to reminisce in the sensation of what life used to be like when I was asleep while awake.

Some of them don’t seem to make any sense, others have recurring themes, and the rest are just demons that swirl around in my own mind. You ever wake up after a nightmare and have the sensation that your emotions are somehow back in a minefield that no longer exists, with people you no longer have any connection with? Why am I here again? Why are these bombs exploding and where the fuck were they months ago when I was purging myself lifeless. Maybe it isn’t about them, but about all the shades of myself while I was with themMy subconscious is screaming at me to understand and right now I just want to tell it to shut the fuck up. Let me go! I’m not that person anymore and those fears aren’t even real – my egoistic reaction.

My soul’s reaction, with balance and clarity: You’re harboring resentment, fear, pain, betrayal and abandonment for every relationship you’ve ever been involved in. That you chose to be a part of. Have you forgiven yourself…for your role in all of this? Consciously I want to believe the answer to that question is yes, but obviously my subconscious disagrees.

Your shadow side. No one ever likes to talk about it. No one ever likes to think about it. Some people believe that doesn’t even exist, but it’s existence doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it also doesn’t mean you deserve any less than anyone else. It’s a part of the human condition and the 3D reality we find ourselves in. It’s something that needs to be accepted and loved just like all the other parts of you.

I believe I’ve been hiding from mine for long before I was ever even here. Which is why I used to have such a hard time believing that anything within me was pure…sometimes I still do.

Who we once were and what we once did does not define us.

It teaches us who we no longer want to be and that we ourselves are the only thing in this world with the power to control any of it.

Perspective can change everything in less than a second. 

I am not just my shadow-side. I am my light-side, my dark-side, my sweet-side, my cold-side…every part of my soul is a creation of who I am as a whole being. Everything with it’s purpose, at any given time, but with balance and acceptance.

Forgive and for fuck sake, love.

The universe is you.

x

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