Is loneliness so real that it can make you want to wish you didn’t feel anything at all? Logic reminds me that it’s all in my head, but my heart still breaks into pieces otherwise. Sometimes I contemplate staying here – in this dark place.
Since when did I become so haunted with memories of spending my time with someone else?
I enjoy being by myself, on most days. But on the days that I don’t, I think heavily of ways to escape..this life I now know, the life I’ve come to create.
The choices that led me here were all my own and though I don’t regret any of it, I guess I didn’t anticipate it would still feel this broken almost one in a half years later.
As I mentioned in a previous blog post, being touched by another is a need that most run to and in the past I was always one of those people. I understand why now. Regardless if it provided me with only temporary satisfaction, it’s clear to me that I used it to fill this exact void – loneliness – from within.
I question my decisions daily – whether they’re right for me, whether they’ll lead me to where I eventually want to be. How will I ever know for sure if this is the road I’m supposed to be traveling on.
I miss being missed.
But I guess what I miss most is feeling like myself, even though I was comfortably numb to almost everything – it was a place I had grown accustomed to and it was mine.
I’m not sure that I’m mine anymore.