I don’t think I’ve ever had a lesson as committed as this one – control is actually the ability to have none.
Since when did patience, balance and vulnerability come to exist in one sentence, surely never for me. Not to mention a part of what’s holding one back from every aspect of their life. I guess I never realized that you can be good at almost everything and still never master these 3 entities. And yet without them you have what I can describe as only a fleeting moment of what you will ever want.
Sometimes I feel like this journey is for stronger and the universe made some sort of mistake. What defines strong anyway? I can barely open my mouth to express my love for someone even when I have no real way to know if it could be the last. I’m unable to sympathize with personal delay because it doesn’t fit my own need of “now”. And shit, I can openly admit that I down right struggle with obsession and feeling nothing at all.
I don’t even know for sure what my soul mission is. How can I begin to help guide others when some days I can hardly guide myself. And that’s not a question, that’s a hard fact. Is this what having your shit together is supposed to feel like? I’m not so sure – about anything really.
Besides how my insides crave a life I’ve never had before. A love that feels like freedom. A job that makes even an ounce of difference in this world. A family that fills your heart up to the point of explosion. All things that leave enough space for altered details. Less attached to the hows and whys, more attached to the end result – the happiness it creates.
I’m afraid that maybe it’s a tall order. Too tall for my small to make happen. But isn’t it true that the universe put everything worth having on the other side of fear? And a path of pain in the lives of some so the opposite can be of full experience?