Heart Construction

This letter was written 4 months ago now while heavily intoxicated on wine, regret and clarity. My advice? Don’t you dare hold a grudge against yourself or others for anything that relates to matters of the heart. Love is messy. Feelings are messy and expressing yourself is necessary in life, but make sure it is honest and pure before you open your heart and mouth.

*

Dear Yin,

Firstly, let me say that I have yet to decide if I’m even going to send this letter or not. Two months later and the shock of all that’s changed has suddenly hit me. That’s not to say that I don’t agree it needed to happen, it did. Some days I wake up and wish it was 2013 before everything became so complicated and our differences so apparent. I wanted so badly to believe that we needed each others yin to our yang in order for life to make sense – that it’s what we were both looking for. I know now that happiness is all anyone should hope and be looking for – and someone to share that with is only a piece of the puzzle. Things I do miss: when we used to make each other happy – movie dates, dinner dates, laughing bursts in the kitchen. As much as I denied it often, you became my best friend and that hurts me the most about this breakup. I know that you’ve had your closure with it when you sent me your letter and I understand this may not be in our best interest to communicate all I have to say and feel, but I can’t live or move forward with regret. I know that I played the victim a lot in the issues of our relationship and I see that now. I don’t really know what my hope for this letter is – maybe just internal and external forgiveness? I hate that it took us so long to do what was right. I hate that the happy times we had were so few and far between as time went on. Deep within me I knew we would never work – our life paths are just too different. But I miss you sometimes and selfishly hope you miss me sometimes too. And now I’m crying even though it’s been 60 whole days since we loved each other, longer if we’re being entirely honest. I know I made this decision and on weak days I have regrets, but we both deserve more from a partner. You lost you and I lost me. Being alone and living alone is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. I don’t expect anything from you, but I do hope you read this and feel a sense of forgiveness – for yourself and me. I did love you more than I’ve been able to love anyone in years. I wish you happiness, success, love, with others and yourself. Every day has been one step toward closure for me. Sometimes I wish I could talk to you, but know it isn’t healthy for either of us. This letter is all over the place. I was going to read yours over again, but I still can’t bring myself to make it through without the highlight reel and tears that just won’t stop. There will never be a day that I won’t think of the impact our relationship had on me and I hope someday we can be in each other’s lives again – as friends where we’re allowed to be just as we are with no expectation or demand of any kind. I’m in the process of finding myself and this whole thing is a major part of my growth – I know it’s part of yours too. It wasn’t all for nothing. You will always have a piece of my heart. Goodbye for now and good luck in all that you do.

Love,
Yang

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